How many of you have ever felt: "if only my
partner would listen to me, she/he would see that I am right." This
is an attitude that most of us can relate to. We acquire this "I'm
right" mentality quite honestly. Growing up, we believed that the
way things were in our family was the way things were in the world.
Our parents were our predominant model for relationship and
marriage. Unfortunately, our partner also formed their beliefs
through their family, a different family than the one in which we
grew up. Now what do we do? Could there be more than one "right
way" to do something? Only after we get older and experience other
couples and how they relate, or we begin to work on ourselves, can
we even imagine the possibility that there might be something
different than what we grew up accepting. This article will explore
ways to tame our inherent need to be right so that we can form our
own definition of loving relationships.
Most people who have been in relationship for any length of time
can relate to disagreements in the areas of household chores and
finances. Let's say, for example, that you were raised in a family
where it was the man's responsibility to take care of the yard and
all indoor chores were considered woman's work. What happens then,
when you marry and your partner expects equal participation with
all the chores? Who's right? Who's wrong? How do you decide? Or, in
the area of finances, suppose your family had a strict savings plan
for future retirement and your partner was raised with the belief
that one should enjoy the moment, trusting that the Universe will
provide all that is necessary for her/his prosperity? What do you
do? How do you resolve these differences?
First, we need to handle the nagging question that immediately
comes up when working with issues of being right. Namely, how do
you handle the feeling that you're giving up something by letting
the other person win or have their own way. As the Relationship
Specialists, we support putting the relationship first. What this
means is that when differences arise remember, you are in a
relationship. You are no longer an individual living alone in your
separate living space. You are sharing a life with another
individual, someone who is very important to you. Therefore, put
your focus where it belongs, on the problem, not your partner.
Judith Wallerstein, in her new book: The Good Marriage: How And Why
Love Lasts, talks about the importance of couples building
togetherness while creating autonomy. She asks couples to keep in
mind the question: "Is this good for the marriage?" In order to
make the relationship work, you must choose to become a couple
instead of merely two individuals living side by side. It is at
this time that the decision can be made to put the relationship
first.
Marilyn: I cannot count the number of arguments my ex-husband and I
had where we would continually restate our position in an attempt
to win one another over to our point of view. In exasperation I
would finally say: "You're right!" Of course, this did neither of
one of us any good, as I did not believe that he was right, and he
knew that, but the argument would die down; no real resolution, no
winners. I developed a strong belief from this experience that you
can keep your need to be right, or you can soften a bit and be
happy. One of the things that inevitably comes up in counseling
couples is the decision to put the relationship first if you want
it to last. In other words, when you and your partner disagree on
an issue, you need to decide what is more important, the
relationship or being right and making the other person wrong. My
belief is that if the couple can learn to become a team, us versus
the problem, instead of me versus her/him, then a solution that
works for both parties can be found, both people win, and the
relationship is strengthened.
Chuck: When I was a teenager, I didn't know it, but I always
wanted to be right. This led to many fights with my girlfriend. It
took years of fighting before I noticed that if I didn't have to be
right there was no fight. I began to try and see my partner's point
of view and why I was so intent in holding on to my position. It
took different relationships and some soul searching to figure out
that I was always just as much to blame in any given
situation.
It is still a learning experience. When Marilyn and I have
disagreements, I still want to be right most of the time, but I'm
finding some added awareness which allows me to see a bigger
picture. This is what we spoke about earlier, namely, putting the
problem outside the relationship. In my mind, many times now, it
has become more important for Marilyn and I to remain happy rather
than my being right. If that means stopping an argument right in
the middle because I can see that I want to be right, then fine,
let's do it. It also means admitting much more readily when I am
wrong.
Marilyn and
Chuck: In our relationship, we strive
to come together as a couple to work through our disagreements.
This is not always possible, but when it happens our relationship
feels special. This is because when one of us chooses the
relationship over the need to be right, the other person actually
feels honored and more loved. It doesn't happen that often yet, but
when it does the results make us both try harder.
This article, written by Marilyn and Chuck, is reprinted with
permission from Woman's Way Magazine. Copyright © 2001 the
Relationship Specialists, Inc. All rights reserved.
