The growth of an individual within a
relationship can be tricky, at times even difficult or painful. How
does one honor and follow their individual path while at the same
time respecting their relationship? What happens when one partner
is growing and the other remains stagnant? What if you feel alive
and stimulated by your new passion and your partner feels it's
nonsense? What do you do? Many people fear they need to take an
either/or position. They believe that either they have to give up
their new passion in an attempt to keep the relationship together
or leave the relationship in order to remain true to themselves.
There are other choices. In this article we will explore both the
questions and possible answers.
First, let's look at the definition of growth. According to
Merriam-Webster's dictionary, growth is defined as "progressive
development" or "evolution." We view growth as an invitation to
reach beyond our normal way of perceiving the world and to broaden
our perspective by remaining open to new ideas. In other words,
growth is being willing to learn about ourselves, others, and the
world. For example, if someone hands us a copy of The Celestine
Prophecy and asks us to read it, do we toss it aside as `new age
rhetoric' or do we open our minds in an attempt to understand the
author's message? If our partner has just begun meditating and
feels it is offering them a much needed sense of peace, do we put
it down and say it's a waste of time or do we try to support this
strange new practice that takes them away from us? How much growth
are we really open to in our lives?
Growth, by its very nature, can lead to problems within a
relationship. One obvious problem is that there are two people in a
relationship, each growing at different rates and having different
priorities in life. For instance, one partner may want to achieve
growth in the work place and for the other, spirituality may be
their first priority. We see this quite commonly in our practice,
one person may feel the spiritual path is most important in their
life while the other partner concentrates on financially supporting
or raising the family. Other problems that may arise include
feelings of abandonment or of being held back. The partner who
wants to follow a spiritual path may feel held back by the one who
wants to continue with their normal life style. On the other hand,
the person who is happy with their normal routine, may experience a
loss when their partner takes up these strange new practices. What
to do. . . . .
When we look at growth as "an opportunity to reach beyond our
normal way of perceiving the world," these seemingly incompatible
choices provide a tremendous opportunity to grow. They give us a
chance to love someone as they are, without judging or trying to
change them. This in turn allows us to expand our capacity to give
and receive love. It has been said that when choosing a partner,
your mind will naturally seek the easiest person to be with while
your heart, your inner self, will seek the person who can best help
you in your search for truth. Also helpful is the ancient wisdom
that the chemistry of love knows only equality, each soul having
just as much to learn as the other has to teach.
Barry and Joyce Vissell in their book The Shared Heart tell us that
growing in opposite directions seems to be one of the tests that
people face as they journey on the spiritual path. According to the
Vissell's it is important to know that we are drawn to a partner
because of spiritual balance. That partner will help us grow in
every way, including areas that we need to develop. When we are
faced with difficult times, we need to remember what attracted us
to our partner in the first place, what stirred our soul. When we
can do that, we will be deeply moved by the love we once felt. This
helps us to reestablish our connection. It is easy to slip into the
pattern of not really seeing our mate. Their spiritual or inner
beauty is always there. One of the most important spiritual
practices we can do right now is to focus on our partner's
spiritual self, thereby drawing it out with our love and attention.
As we all know, aspects of a person which are positively reinforced
tend to flourish. Also, as this process evolves, you will notice
yourself changing into a more loving person. "Perhaps," suggest the
Vissell's, "your partner right now is serving as your greatest
spiritual teacher and your loving him unconditionally will take you
over a step you might not be able to go alone."
Marilyn:With this couple, the growth gap was just too big to
overcome. Too many years had passed without communicating their
true feelings and desires. They had stopped seeing the inner beauty
of their mate and no longer want to try. When Jane and Tom came to
therapy, Jane was in her third year of graduate school and had
discovered a whole new world. Training to become a transpersonal
therapist, she was enthralled with all she was learning. Tom, an
engineer working his way up the corporate ladder, thought his
wife's new interests were a waste of time. He worked hard all day
for his family and wanted his wife's support. Tom wanted a partner
who could be a perfect wife and mother. He also wanted someone who
was willing to share the financial responsibility for running a
household in these increasingly difficult economic times. Jane felt
alive for the first time in years. She wanted understanding and
acceptance for her new passion. She was willing to help out
financially, but only in her chosen profession. Both were unhappy
and unwilling to budge. They had not spoken about their needs and
passions since Jane had returned to school and they did not want to
start now. When this happens and we have lost hope or are unable to
remember those qualities that first attracted us to our partner,
there is really nothing that can be done. The work then becomes
ending the relationship with love and integrity.
Chuck:Here
is a case where the man wanted to change the relationship. Jack is
an artist who is doing a lot of soul searching lately. Lisa is a
corporate executive who is struggling with her new promotion. Jack
is asking questions like: why am I here, who am I with, what is our
purpose together? Lisa is asking: how can I do my job to the best
of my ability and stay ahead of the game? Jack is having a hard
time with Lisa not seeing what is really important to him and is
seriously considering leaving the marriage. He brought his issues
to a head the other day and it came out that he wanted to leave. In
the ensuing discussion with Lisa, he began to see all the wisdom
that she had within her. Jack realized that she was the one who had
many of the insights about what was going on in their relationship.
He saw her inner beauty. It had merely been obscured by the
pressures that she was dealing with at work. Jack really saw how
much of a balance that they had between them and in just that
moment he began to open up and share even more of his deepest
feelings. He found that Lisa was interested in some of his ideas
about how to deepen the relationship, she just didn't have the time
right now. They re-committed to each other and began to make time
to talk and listen to each other about what was most
important.
John Welwood, author of Journey of the Heart, takes another
approach. He asks what happens if a couple no longer needs each
other to fill their old co-dependent roles. Should they move
forward and risk losing everything or should they stay where they
are and continue to feel stuck? Moving beyond old patterns requires
a frightening leap into the unknown. This is when practicing what
Welwood terms beginner's mind - not holding on to any fixed idea
about how things are supposed to be - becomes essential. Couples
wonder what will happen if they let go of their old ways of being.
They worry about how they will relate to each other. If a couple is
willing to let their relationship patterns die, then they can begin
to recreate them into something new and more appropriate. With
every step they take, a sense that they are deepening the
relationship keeps them moving forward. Using the concept of
beginner's mind, we lose our investment in a rigid or preconceived
notion of who our partner is. We can then see our partner freshly
each time we look at them. Welwood concludes: "If two people can
face each other in a spirit of beginner's mind, they will discover
that their connection can continually expand beyond domestic
familiarity, to include a larger sense of space and mystery."
Copyright © 2001 the Relationship Specialists, Inc. All rights
reserved.
