Remember the magic of a new relationship, that
special time where everything seems to flow smoothly? You are
glowing with excitement and all is right with the world. Your
partner seems to anticipate your every desire and tries to meet it.
It is a time when you both rush home from work to spend the evening
together - laughing, playing and enjoying one another's company. It
fills your heart with joy to do things that will make your partner
happy.
This article is about the magic that results when one nourishes
their relationship. Most of us start out wanting to do this. We
would give anything to keep the passion alive. We love the way a
new relationship feels and want the passion to continue. But
something happens along the way. We find ourselves gradually
getting into a routine where our relationship is no longer our main
focus. Other priorities take its place - job, friends, children,
community - and the relationship gets less and less attention. It
starts to become routine. We no longer rush home to be with our
partner, but spend longer hours at work trying to get ahead. We
stop off on the way home to have drinks with colleagues or work out
at the gym to stay fit. When this happens, our partner can end up
feeling bored, angry or hurt. This does not mean that we cannot do
these things. It means that we cannot allow them to slowly erode
our relationship. How then can we keep the magic alive?
It has been said that if each partner in a relationship nourishes
the other, then both partner's needs will automatically be
fulfilled. Nourishing your partner means knowing what makes them
happy, anticipating their wants and needs, and then fulfilling
them. In our practice, we often hear women complaining that what
they need is a wife. This is because women tend to be sensitive to
the needs of others. My best friend used to joke with me that we
should move in with one another and let our husbands get their own
place. Her reasoning was that when one of us came home from work
exhausted, the other would notice immediately and volunteer to make
dinner and watch the children while the other could go for a swim
at the beach or have a tall wine cooler and relax...no questions
asked! It was very tempting. We all need this kind of
nurturing.
How can we get the nurturing we need from our partner? We have
found in our relationship that it is the simple things that make us
happy. Some examples include: greeting one another at the door,
saying good morning when we wake up and good night when we go to
sleep, leaving notes for one another to find in the morning or
after a long day at work, calling to say hello and especially if
one of us will be late, not going to bed angry, and hugs, kisses,
and smiles throughout the day. These simple acts of kindness are
done effortlessly at the beginning of a relationship. With a little
attention, they can become thoughtful habits that will keep your
relationship alive with passion.
As you can see, nourishing your partner does not mean giving up
your individuality or becoming dependent on this person. Many of
these nourishing behaviors are simply common courtesies or little
acts of kindness. What it takes to nourish a relationship is making
it a point to know what your partner likes, to become more aware
and observant. For instance, Chuck hates to walk as exercise. I
love to walk. When he sees that I am really stressed and wants to
do something special for me, he will suggest that we take a walk.
This makes me feel that I am special and loved. When we do nice
things for each other we feel more love, are happier, and want to
be together more.
Marilyn:
Being a strong, newly independent woman, I protect my independence
fiercely. I want to be appreciated for who I am and what I am,
independent of a man. I never again want to be someone's show piece
or maid. I also want a loving relationship, one that nourishes the
new woman I have become and supports my continuing growth. I love
the excitement and passion of a good relationship, the way my heart
opens and allows me to take in the beauty of the world.
This is what I have with Chuck. There is a respect of individuality
as well as a warm and tender love that nurtures and allows each of
us to continue to open to life. It is such a pleasure to be in this
relationship, a relationship where the simple things in life - a
greeting, a smile, an encouraging word, a hug - are common place.
Having come from a relationship where the cold war was ongoing,
where competition was the cornerstone, and words of encouragement
were rare, I really appreciate the difference. I now love coming
home and I look forward to being with my partner. When I think of
him during the day a smile brightens my face. This is what a
relationship should be.
Our relationship is the result of years of work, years of
nourishing behavior. When it began, I was wary of this man who
cared about how I felt and went out of his way to show me. I used
to say to him: "Is this how you really are or are you acting like
this so I'll fall in love with you?" The "problem" was, Chuck
valued me. Given my previous relationship, this was a hard concept
for me to believe and trust. It took lots of repetition for me to
begin to feel valuable. After much work on our own relationship and
many hours of work with clients, we have come to the understanding
that relationships can be used in one of two ways: we can re-injure
our partner by repeating previously wounding behavior or we can
lovingly work with our partner to heal old wounds. Our choice is to
work lovingly to heal, and teach others to do the same.
Chuck:
What does nourishment mean for me? One example is our practice to
greet each other at the door. After a long day at work supporting
others in counseling sessions, it's just what I need when I get
home: to have someone care about how I feel. To be able to have a
smiling face, wide open arms, and some loving words to fall into as
I walk through the door allows the daily stress to melt away
quickly. It sets a very nice tone for the rest of the evening. I
also realize how much it means to me because when it doesn't
happen, I feel lousy. This little ritual takes about one or two
minutes. It makes me feel like I am the most important person in
Marilyn's world.
Nourishing behavior is not hard to give. It is all little things. I
am sure parents can relate to how a child will stop crying, smile,
and be able to go back out and play after getting a hug because he
or she fell down. Men and women can relate to how they feel when
the boss comes by and says "great job!" Contrast this to the
feeling you get when you have completed some work and your
boss/wife/husband/partner can only see what is wrong. You feel
unappreciated. When you truly care about your partner and put them
first, nourishing behavior comes naturally.
Marilyn and
Chuck: Nurturing your relationship is
important, however, it is not always possible. At those times when
you are too busy or too angry or too tired to nourish your partner,
honoring those feelings in yourself is valuable. The analogy of
watering a flower is appropriate here. To have flowers thrive and
bloom they need continual water and fertilizer or nourishment. If
you don't give your relationship enough water, it will wither; if
you don't give it any water at all, it will die. But, like the
plant that has been without water while you were away, a little
attention when you return home will bring it springing back to
life. In the same fashion, when you have developed a habit of
nurturing your relationship, it becomes much simpler to reconnect
with your partner after being apart.
This article, written by Marilyn and Chuck, is reprinted with
permission from Woman's Way Magazine. Copyright © 2001 the
Relationship Specialists, Inc. All rights reserved.
