Relationships are a key element in most people's
lives. As John Donne stated so poignantly in the late 1500's: "No
man is an island." These words still hold true today. Thus far,
however, most people have not learned how to have successful
relationships and still feel complete within themselves.
Relationships are challenging because they involve two distinct
individuals with varying needs, desires, and opinions. When the
needs and desires of the individuals do not match, there are
usually disagreements, disappointments, and disillusionment. It is
during these times that we question our relationships and wonder if
we would be better off alone. What then can be done to create a
more satisfying relationship?
With conscious intention and effort, we can use our relationships
to heal and transform our lives. This new paradigm, or model, for
relationships consists of three steps: 1) taking responsibility for
our actions and reactions; 2) experiencing our feelings deeply; and
3) expressing ourselves clearly and honestly to our partner while
having equal empathy for our partner's feelings. When we learn to
do this, our relationships can reach a deeper level of
understanding and become a vehicle for our personal growth and
fulfillment.
The first step in the new paradigm, taking responsibility for our
actions and reactions, can be an unfamiliar and sometimes
frightening experience. It involves looking at how we are
contributing to or creating the disturbing situation, instead of
automatically blaming our partner for the misunderstanding. When we
are able to let down our defenses and accept responsibility, both
parties breathe a sigh of relief and the door to honest
communication opens. For many people, the risk of taking
responsibility for their actions and reactions is the hardest part
of working on relationships. Men may feel like they are losing
power or abdicating their throne. Women may feel like they are
giving in or being weak and submissive. In both cases, it usually
feels like some type of loss, either of personal power or of a part
of ourselves. Although difficult at first, this step can lead to a
much greater understanding of our reactive patterns of behavior and
can accelerate our personal growth dramatically.
The second step in this model is experiencing our feelings deeply.
This step involves removing ourselves from the immediate situation
and taking a deep breath in order to reflect on what is happening
inside of us. We may become aware of certain bodily sensations such
as tightness in the throat, chest or stomach area. Emotions such as
sadness, hurt, or anger might surface. Thoughts or memories may
come into our awareness. Learning to focus inwardly will take
practice since many of us have spent very little time focusing on
ourselves and how we actually feel. As with all the steps of this
new paradigm, we must be patient with ourselves and appreciate each
little step we take.
Feeling deeply can also prove to be challenging because our present
feelings are often influenced by what has gone on in our past. For
instance, if we have had a relationship in the past that left us
feeling criticized or unlovable, chances are good that our new
relationship will also bring up those feelings. Love tends to bring
to the surface any past hurts that need to be healed. This is one
reason the new paradigm for relationships is so powerful. Instead
of blindly repeating old ways of being, we can use our
relationships to work on ourselves -- to notice the patterns of
thought and behavior that we continually relive and begin to
explore them within the safety of the relationship. The key is to
take the time to remove ourselves from the situation and feel what
is actually going on inside. This gives us time to calmly reflect
so we can act instead of react.
The third step of this new model is expressing ourselves clearly
and honestly to our partner while having equal empathy, or
appreciation, for our partner's feelings. This step involves
telling our partner the truth about how we feel. It is important to
avoid the tendency to fall back on old patterns of relating such as
making our partner wrong, going numb, playing out dramas based on
old hurts, or entering into power struggles. To communicate clearly
we need to go beyond blame and judgment and tell the truth about
our experience. We need to make the decision that being happy in
our relationship is more important than being right. The only way
to do this is to be totally honest with ourselves and our
partner.
Equally important in this third step is having empathy for our
partner's feelings. This includes allowing our partner the
opportunity to express how they feel and then making an honest
attempt to understand them. In other words, we need to put
ourselves in their place and experience what they are feeling. This
type of exchange is the beginning of authentic communication and
the birth of an entirely new type of relationship. Both parties
will begin to feel empowered and loved. As a couple reaches greater
depths of feeling and understanding, their strength grows in all
areas of their lives.
Practicing the three steps of the new paradigm -- taking
responsibility for our actions and reactions, experiencing our
feelings deeply, and expressing ourselves completely -- will result
in an enormous shift in our relationships, both with our partner
and out in the world. Our communication will be clearer and more
honest, we will gain greater respect for ourselves and others, and
we will experience a greater sense of personal power, love, and joy
in our lives.
This article, written by Marilyn and Chuck, is reprinted with
permission from Woman's Way Magazine. Copyright © 2001 the
Relationship Specialists, Inc. All rights reserved.
