"Yes, I will marry you.....and they rode off into the sunset and
lived happily ever after." If only it were that simple. Most of us
have visions of our relationships turning out this way, but that is
often not the case. Somewhere between the "I do" and "happily ever
after" problems arise. Over half of all marriages end in divorce.
Of those marriages that stay together, a large percentage are not
necessarily happy. What happens? Why do the majority of couples
find it so difficult to stay together and remain happy? Just as
individuals go through identifiable stages (infancy, childhood,
adulthood, old age) so to do relationships pass through
distinguishable stages. There are many different ways to name the
stages of relationship. We prefer to use the following three
stages: Romantic Love (also known as the honeymoon stage), the
Power Struggle Stage, and Mature Love.
Many people are familiar with the romantic stage. This is where our
lover is in our thoughts 24 hours a day and every moment apart
seems like an eternity. We live for the moments that we can be
together. We are aglow with love. Everything in our life seems to
go well. Colors are brighter, sounds more distinct, foods tastier.
We find that we need less sleep. We can stay out with our loved one
dancing the night away and still be up early the next morning,
energized and ready to tackle the day ahead. If we have
disagreements with our partner, we are willing to listen and even
let them win. We are in a state of bliss. Then something happens.
Instead of continuing along happily in this state, our eyes (and
our hearts) begin to shift their focus and we enter Stage 2.
Stage 2 is the power struggle. Most of us are familiar with this
stage as the majority of relationships stay here a long time. It is
the stage in a relationship where two individuals try to live
together harmoniously while still standing up for their individual
differences. This is the time when we try to combine two different
ways of being and two different backgrounds into one workable
relationship. It includes but is not limited to such things as
combining two distinct ways of handling money, keeping house, and
juggling time schedules with regard to work, hobbies, family,
recreation, etc. It involves consideration of differing personal
habits and parenting skills, varying degrees of sexual desire,
different ways of communication, and more. Is it any wonder that
Stage 2 brings to light what we perceive as flaws in our partner's
character? She/he charges too much on the credit cards, puts
recreation before chores, does not understand why I need to spend
so much time with my parents, or has little desire for sex.
Differences are difficult to live with, especially when we assume
that we are right and our partner is wrong. Our reasoning is: "I've
done it this way all my life; can't you see that this is the way it
should be done?" Learning how to collaborate with a partner while
at the same time maintaining our individuality is the lesson of
Stage 2. It can be a lengthy undertaking and usually makes or
breaks the relationship.
Some relationships will never go beyond the second stage. The power
struggles that occur during this time put the "relating" in
relationships to the test. Just as a teenager learns how to become
an individual and relate to a world outside himself and his family,
an adult learns how to become a partner and be in a relationship.
We learn how to get along with others at work, in our community,
our state, and in our ever expanding world. Most of us learn skills
to go out into the workplace and perform at a job, but few of us
learn the skills to communicate and be in relationship. Basic
relationship skills can go a long way to move us through this
difficult stage of power struggle. Tools such as "I" messages,
reflective listening, and a basic understanding of the differences
between men and women are an important start. We feel it is equally
important to have an awareness and understanding of two basic
concepts about relationship: 1) that we alone are responsible for
our feelings as well as our actions; and 2) relationships can be
used to either heal or rewound the individuals in that
relationship.
Marilyn: Having been in a twenty year relationship that I now
recognize was one continual power struggle, I can appreciate the
flow of my present relationship. Chuck and I both have an
uncompromising desire to be in a relationship that works, a
relationship that we can use as a path to our spiritual growth. Dr.
Wayne Dyer in his tape series Freedom Through Higher Awareness
comments: ñif you have a choice between being right and being
kind, always choose to be kind." This is a choice Chuck and I are
consciously trying to make in our relationship. When we disagree,
we make every effort to deal with those conflicts in the moment. We
try our best to go inside and discover how we feel and what our
part was in the upset. This is not an easy task, especially since
we have been programmed to value being right over being loving. We
are used to looking outside of ourselves and blaming the other
party. My automatic response to an upset used to be "why can't he
understand this, it's so simple!" For the life of me, I could not
understand why my partner was so dense; why he could not appreciate
that this was the way it was for me. What a world of difference it
makes when I can take responsibility for myself. All the blame and
frustration disappears. I no longer feel that sinking feeling of
disappointment and frustration that I used to feel.....that hole in
pit in my stomach that asked the same questions over and over: "why
am I in this relationship," and "is it as hopeless as I feel it is
at this moment?" In contrast, when I can come from the
understanding that I alone am responsible for the emotions that
well up within me, then I can look inside and examine those
feelings. This is usually easier said than done, especially when
those emotions remind me of unpleasant memories about how I was
treated in the past. I try very hard to share those feelings with
Chuck. Sometimes, the only word I can get out is "ouch," but that
is enough to get us started. This effort pays big dividends. It
allows us to come to a resolution about our misunderstandings and
prevents the build-up of resentments. It is also a path to healing
the old wounds and building a new relationship based upon the trust
of self and each other.
Chuck: The difference between my relationship with Marilyn and my
previous relationships is my willingness to look at what parts I
play in our upsets. It wasn't long ago that I felt I was right
during most of my arguments with women. I can even remember the
times that I knew I wasn't right but still couldn't give in. This
power struggle was a pattern I had followed for over 30 years and I
don't really know how it started. It has been a slow progression of
small realizations that has led me to the point where my
relationship is usually more important than my being right. Notice
I said usually. There are still times when I know I'm not right or
realize that I am hurting Marilyn and our relationship by staying
mad, but cannot break out of the old pattern. Fortunately these
times are diminishing.
How did I begin on my road to recovery? It began with very
intelligent women calmly questioning me about my reasons for
staying angry. They wanted to understand what kind of benefits or
rewards I received for this behavior. Even when they questioned me
during a fight, it was done in such a way that I felt their
concern. It was clear that they truly wanted to understand what was
happening within me. There was no blaming or ill will.
This process led me to begin to question myself. I went to therapy.
I learned techniques I could use during a fight such as active
listening, taking responsibility by using "I" statements, fair
fighting rules, active listening and more. Finally I decided that I
wanted to have a GREAT relationship. Now I work on trying to let go
of my need to be right and consciously make the choice to be
loving. Believe me, it takes a constant effort within the
relationship to maintain that awareness, but it is worth it.....and
so is Marilyn!
Marilyn and Chuck: The final stage of relationship is mature love.
We have traveled the long road of power struggles to get here and
learned what we need to learn from that path. We have completed a
180 degree turn, back to the peace and harmony that we felt with
our partner when we first met. Our heart (and mind) has shifted
away from finding fault and instead is focused on the specialness
of our partner.....the uniqueness that attracted us to them in the
first place. We have come full circle. We started out in the
Romantic Stage seeing only the good, went through the Power
Struggle Stage seeing mostly the negative, and now we are able to
hold both. This is an expansive state. It is at this time that we
make the conscious choice to put our relationship first and give up
the need to always be right. This does not mean that we become less
of an individual. It is at this stage that we become comfortable
with who we are as individuals so that we no longer feel that we
are losing a part of ourselves or our needs in order to have our
relationships flow smoothly. In reality, we become more fully alive
as we have expanded within ourselves to accept both the positive
and the negative in another person.
Many of us have had the privilege of experiencing the rare couple
who just seem to flow together. Their love and appreciation for one
another glows from their very being. They fit together and feel
right and everyone can see it. There is a calm and radiance about
them that makes others want to be in their presence. This state of
being did not happen over night. This couple has done a lot of work
to get where they are. There is a deep level of commitment and
understanding between them. For us, knowing that this depth of
relationship exists gives us hope for our own relationship. When
the power struggles seem overwhelming, we let the vision of this
couple give us the strength to stay on our path and just let go. It
is our belief that it is within all of us to have this type of
relationship. It is a merely matter of choice.
This article, written by Marilyn and Chuck, is reprinted with
permission from Woman's Way Magazine. Copyright © 2001 the
Relationship Specialists, Inc. All rights reserved.
