These are brief responses to people who were looking for a quick
answer to their questions, at no charge, over the Internet. The
samples are to give you a flavor of our email responses. Your
answer will be longer, more detailed and have specific suggestions
based on your questions.
Question: My husband
and I have been married for one year and four months. We had a
dating period of only eight months. Therefore, we have learned a
lot more about each other that we did not know. This has lead to a
great deal of arguing. Although we realize that we want to make
this marriage work, we do not have arguing techniques that
effectively communicate each others feelings without leading to
more fighting. It always leads to blaming, unapologetic words that
ultimately push us further apart.
The Relationship Specialists
response - You hit the nail on the head. You did not have
enough time to learn about each other during the courting period.
Sometimes when this happens people feel cheated or lied to. They
feel their partner was on their best behavior while dating and once
married, they no longer have to work at the relationship. Good
relationships require attention. Fortunately, you both want your
marriage to work and recognize it will take a little effort. This
isn't a bad thing. Look at it as an adventure that can only bring
you closer and strengthen your bond.
Communication skills are easily obtained. Choices include self-help
books, classes given at your church or local community college, or
a few sessions with a good couple's therapist. Pick the method that
best suits your needs. You can check your local bookstore or
community newspaper for class listings. Basic communications
skills, listening skills, fair fighting, and conflict resolution,
are all important. With these skills in place you can solve almost
any problem together. The effort you put into this will be richly
rewarded.
Question: I am 16
years old and I am having a relationship problem with my ex. He
still likes me, and I still like him, but things just aren't
working out. We have different beliefs about what should go on in a
relationship, and that is the only difference and the only problem.
We have tried to think of everything, but nothing is going to make
both of us happy. We aren't right together, but we can't stay apart
because we like each other too much, and we can't stay just friends
because then we'll get back together and be at the same point that
we are at right now. I don't know what to do anymore, and I need
some good advice. So if you could help me, that would be great!
Thank you.
The Relationship Specialists
response -How wonderful that you are so aware of your needs
at such a young age. Learning how to honor and respect yourself
will lead to great relationships throughout your life. When you
know that your beliefs differ and that those beliefs create
conflict, you're off to a great start. You then have a couple of
choices. The first is to compromise, which is what relationships
are all about - learning to live with someone who is different than
you. Determine what is really important to both of you and then see
if you can let some of the other things go. The other option is to
agree to, disagree and not be in the relationship but remain
friends. It's tough trying to turn a boyfriend into a friend. Often
you need time apart before you can become "just friends." And
sometimes it just isn't possible. The most important to point is
that you honor yourself. You didn't mention what it was like when
you get back together, but, if you constantly fight, it's not a
healthy relationship. I'm sure you don't want to hear that "you're
young and you will meet someone else" so I'll just say "follow your
heart". If it says that this is not the right relationship for you,
it will help you find the right one. Good Luck.
Question I'm 27 and
have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years (4 in June), we've
been living together for nearly a year. I love him dearly and want
to take this relationship all the way. As good as we are together,
we do have a serious problem. He will not communicate, he is not
receptive to any conversation about our future, and usually
responds to any conversation I try to engage with a short answer,
and then starts playing with his dog. He says he loves me. His
bills are 100% paid off, but while I'm saving every penny of my
money to buy a house, he's looking at motorcycles and powerboats.
Am I being insecure, or am I right to believe he's sending signals
that he's never going to marry me? Is this what men do to avoid
having to say it out loud, and having to be the "bad guy"? Its hard
to sum up everything in 8-10 lines. Please know that we have a lot
of fun together, and handle day to day life together better than
most, examples of relationships I've witnessed, the chemistry is
great, and all in all are very compatible, minus his complete
incapability to open up. I don't care at this point if he tells me
he doesn't want to get married, I just want him to respond!
The Relationship Specialists
response: You bring up two common differences in couples.
First, men usually don't communicate as well as women. Second, the
money dynamic in most relationships typically involves one person
being a saver and one being a spender. The other big question is
"Does he want to marry me or am I wasting my time?" The best way to
deal with these issues, as your partner is currently
non-communicative, is to find a therapist that can help you
understand your feelings. Once you've sorted out your feelings and
gained a little support, then you can learn how to explain to your
boyfriend your concerns and fears. Your boyfriend actually sounds
like a pretty typical guy. You need to let him know how important
communication is to you or he will never change. And you have to
decide that if he won't change you will either accept his behavior
in your life or find someone who will give you what you want.
