We have met the enemy and he is us

Posted on 22 April 2008

Relationships take commitment. That means when things get tough you have to overcome yourself (which usually means your feelings) and work through them. Overcoming ourselves, working through our issues or exploring all facets of our being is what our main work in life is. All the rest is just living. The reason I’ve found that people don’t or won’t do this work is because their feelings become too intense.

This is especially true for men. We need to diminish or remove those feelings, so we get the ‘fight or flight’ syndrome down pat. We can fight either verbally, physically or emotionally. We can take flight either physically or emotionally by just shutting down. Intense feelings are something men just want to get rid of and they will do it any way they can. Boys don’t cry and men don’t express feelings. If we would take just a few minutes to let our partner know what is going on, our relationships would be taken to a new level. It does not mean we need to become girly men. It has been said that it is easier for a man to go to war than to deal with his feelings. When intense feelings come up we feel we are out of control and need to regain the upper hand immediately. We are not out of control. We are just lost in territory that is beginning to be explored. Dealing with some upset in the moment, as it is happpening, prevents it from becoming bigger. Taking control of your life means dealing with it, not avoiding it.

Exploring your inner life with your partner is one of the most rewarding and intimate acts you can bring to the relationship. Take a risk and if it doesn’t work the first time don’t stop. If you keep going the rewards will outstrip anything you can imagine.